That's right, campers, After two weeks and about thirty bad movies, our blogging vacation is over and we're ready to jump right back into it! Here's a summary from 1/14/2011 - 1/26/2011:
GIFFORDSSUPERBOWLSTATEOFTHEUNIONPROTESTNEWSSPACEMASSCOWDEATHIRANIANEXPLOSIONLEBANONCOLLAPSEINCREASINGHOMEPRICESAMERICANIDOL!!!!
And now:
Is anyone surprised that this is going on?
You can't walk into a country like Egypt and expect civility, right?
I mean, it's not like they were amongst the first societies to have running water and irrigation... They don't have any 5000 year old massive and impressive stone structures built with more sophistication than modern buildings... it's not like they had one of the largest and longest lasting empires in history... it's not like... okay I'm done with this rant, but come on! Get your act together Egypt!
It's one thing when Lebanon has a terrorist group get rid of its government (That happened last week, want proof?), the Lebanese ruling class have an average IQ of 16, but Egypt?
At this point, we have a letter from Ra, former Sun God of Egypt that we would like to share:
"Look, Egypt,
Your friendship with Lebanon is okay. He can be a nice guy... but....
You guys have known each other a long time, and while I understand that, I think he's just a bad influence sometimes.
Let's be frank, Lebanon rode on the short bus to school for a reason.
Try not to follow his example too much.
Take care,
Daddy"
Yeah, so that happened...
1/14/2011
Our Space Program
Well this is really quite queer...
NASA experts recently decided that they'd been thinking too hard in recent years what with the Mars expedition and deep space imagery, so they decided to remind us all that they are based in Texas...
Remember a few years ago how the National Aeronautics and Space Administration suddenly decided to royally screw up the solar system song by declassifying Pluto as a planet? Well, "dey done it again!"
The latest development from our brightest minds in astrophysics tells us that our birth signs (provided you are older than two) are all messed up.
From 2009 until now, a new sign, Sacawakanugashmagonsteinberg, has waltzed its way into our star field. Right... in 2009, it just showed up? Their excuse is that "it's really quite a small constellation..." WELL THEN DON'T BOTHER COUNTING IT!!!
Why?! Who cares?! I was, honestly, just fine being a Capricorn, but apparently the space community of the world got really pissed at their lack of a social life and wanted me to be a Sagittarius. Whatever floats your boat I guess. Some people use punching bags to take out their aggression, astrophysicists redefine the laws of space.
Plus, the laws of Astrology are unchristian (right?) so they don't matter anyway if you're trying to get into the kingdom of heaven... which I, myself, am not.
***Please note that the laws of Astrology are probably unchristian, but if you fear them, the almighty will not smite you, in fact, the catholic church has already prescribed the appropriate reaction to that original sin: 3 bloody marries and a side order of fries***
********If there is a god, holy Moses I'm screwed**********
NASA experts recently decided that they'd been thinking too hard in recent years what with the Mars expedition and deep space imagery, so they decided to remind us all that they are based in Texas...
Remember a few years ago how the National Aeronautics and Space Administration suddenly decided to royally screw up the solar system song by declassifying Pluto as a planet? Well, "dey done it again!"
The latest development from our brightest minds in astrophysics tells us that our birth signs (provided you are older than two) are all messed up.
From 2009 until now, a new sign, Sacawakanugashmagonsteinberg, has waltzed its way into our star field. Right... in 2009, it just showed up? Their excuse is that "it's really quite a small constellation..." WELL THEN DON'T BOTHER COUNTING IT!!!
Why?! Who cares?! I was, honestly, just fine being a Capricorn, but apparently the space community of the world got really pissed at their lack of a social life and wanted me to be a Sagittarius. Whatever floats your boat I guess. Some people use punching bags to take out their aggression, astrophysicists redefine the laws of space.
Plus, the laws of Astrology are unchristian (right?) so they don't matter anyway if you're trying to get into the kingdom of heaven... which I, myself, am not.
***Please note that the laws of Astrology are probably unchristian, but if you fear them, the almighty will not smite you, in fact, the catholic church has already prescribed the appropriate reaction to that original sin: 3 bloody marries and a side order of fries***
********If there is a god, holy Moses I'm screwed**********
Contrary to Popular Belief
In the political world, there exists only one axiom: governments fall. It matters not whether the ruling body is large, small, influential, or meaningless; one day, its end comes in either a blaze of glory, or the far more common wisp of smoke. To topple a regime, all there need be is a strategy and a leader smart and well equipped enough to execute it. As a result of one person’s drive and vision, many people may change their views. Does it always go that way? Obviously not; in fact, ninety-nine times out of one-hundred, the opposition is caught and condemned for treason. The quandary of the matter tends to be: which one should prevail?
In the eyes of the contrarian, the terrorist, the world is not what it should be. The knife of justice must cut the throat of cruelty in which pulses the blood of government. The knife, however, is too dull to do more than make a scratch without the aid of a stone to sharpen it. The larger the stone, the easier it becomes to sharpen the blade. Therein lays the true quest of the contrarian. He cannot hope to achieve his goal without a lethal weapon, and the predicament in which he finds himself forces him to extend his hand to others. Without a stone, the knife will remain dull and meaningless. Without persons to believe in its ultimate morality, the idea affects no one. If his hope is to win the affection and belief of his potential followers, he must offer them something they do not already have.
Liberty is the best form of control, in the hands of the contrarian. The masses flock to the idea of freedom like so many sheep to water. All the sheep need to find the water is the direction of a shepherd. The contrarian offers that direction. Instead of following in the footsteps laid down for them by their government, the masses take up the cause of freedom. The dilemma: is freedom justice? No. Freedom is freedom.
So often, people mistake the idea of a truly just world as a world without boundaries. In reality, the best justice is an absolute justice, only achievable through a bounded system. The contrarians to contrarianism, most often referred to as the legitimate government, would argue that justice is far more valuable than freedom. The forfeiture of certain autonomies insures the protection of the people, and in so doing, the stability of the authority. Without a steady system of power, even in the name of liberty, justice would be compromised.
To be contrarian is to be unjust, and to be unjust is criminal. Nay, criminality is left to the petty lawbreakers who do nothing to society but defy its norms and morays. It is the terrorist who acts not to defy norms, but to redefine them in his own image. Such an act of contrary value is dangerous to the justice and stability that is meant to exist in the government-led, legitimate world.
In conclusion, there is no legitimacy amongst the corrupt. What divides the righteous terrorist from the evil? On the other hand, what separates a virtuous government from a devious one? Are both not, in fact, in the eyes of the beholder? Is a terrorist ever a terrorist but to those which he terrorizes? Is a government respectable but to the people under its direction? Does any of it matter in the end? Governments collapse, the victorious oppositions erect new administrations in their own images, and the cycle begins anew. That, in fact, is all that matters in the end; the rest is commentary.
In the eyes of the contrarian, the terrorist, the world is not what it should be. The knife of justice must cut the throat of cruelty in which pulses the blood of government. The knife, however, is too dull to do more than make a scratch without the aid of a stone to sharpen it. The larger the stone, the easier it becomes to sharpen the blade. Therein lays the true quest of the contrarian. He cannot hope to achieve his goal without a lethal weapon, and the predicament in which he finds himself forces him to extend his hand to others. Without a stone, the knife will remain dull and meaningless. Without persons to believe in its ultimate morality, the idea affects no one. If his hope is to win the affection and belief of his potential followers, he must offer them something they do not already have.
Liberty is the best form of control, in the hands of the contrarian. The masses flock to the idea of freedom like so many sheep to water. All the sheep need to find the water is the direction of a shepherd. The contrarian offers that direction. Instead of following in the footsteps laid down for them by their government, the masses take up the cause of freedom. The dilemma: is freedom justice? No. Freedom is freedom.
So often, people mistake the idea of a truly just world as a world without boundaries. In reality, the best justice is an absolute justice, only achievable through a bounded system. The contrarians to contrarianism, most often referred to as the legitimate government, would argue that justice is far more valuable than freedom. The forfeiture of certain autonomies insures the protection of the people, and in so doing, the stability of the authority. Without a steady system of power, even in the name of liberty, justice would be compromised.
To be contrarian is to be unjust, and to be unjust is criminal. Nay, criminality is left to the petty lawbreakers who do nothing to society but defy its norms and morays. It is the terrorist who acts not to defy norms, but to redefine them in his own image. Such an act of contrary value is dangerous to the justice and stability that is meant to exist in the government-led, legitimate world.
In conclusion, there is no legitimacy amongst the corrupt. What divides the righteous terrorist from the evil? On the other hand, what separates a virtuous government from a devious one? Are both not, in fact, in the eyes of the beholder? Is a terrorist ever a terrorist but to those which he terrorizes? Is a government respectable but to the people under its direction? Does any of it matter in the end? Governments collapse, the victorious oppositions erect new administrations in their own images, and the cycle begins anew. That, in fact, is all that matters in the end; the rest is commentary.
1/11/2011
Back to the fun side of news!
Check out this video
So... Voodoo, right?
In that religion, it is common practice for priests to sacrifice animals as a blood tribute to their heathen gods (Disclaimer: NOT the judeochristian god, so they are clearly wrong), it is also commonplace to get the gods drunk before they ask for something (any man who has ever tried to pick up a woman at a bar knows this logic)...
I could go on for pages about Voodoo and everything it has worth laughing at, but that's not the comedy in this story...
So, imagine you live in Haiti...
No, no, you can't pretend it's the Bahamas instead, this role play actually has a point.
Oh, get your head out of the gutter, you know what I meant by "role play." Moron.
So, let's say you have family and a dog. Your house was destroyed in the recent seismic event. Your dog, for argument's sake let's call him "Sparky," is clearly the reason for this earthquake, and its death would pacify the god of... I don't know... mortgage banking... who decided to cause this earthquake in the first place because you didn't pay the bills.
So the priest demands your dog's blood. Just as they are getting ready to take out your favorite Labradoodle and send him down Mr. Mortgage Banker's gullet, a hatchet cleaves the priest's head in two.
The priest and his buddy priest are fed to the gods instead of Sparky, and your dog lives for another day.
That happened in Haiti. A mob hacked a Voodoo Priest to death during a ritual.
Cute, no?
My only question: What took them so long?
Is there really anyone who doesn't take a look at Voodoo and sprint out of there as quickly as they can?
Now, I know I'll get people saying "they're just different"
No, they're not... "they're just creepy!"
Your desire is to be possessed by spirits from the underworld who may or may not vanquish your enemies and send them to a place worse than hell?
That's very healthy.
Sign me up!
For anyone who doesn't get my point: Voodoo... is not Christianity and is therefore automatically bad. (that will win the republican readers, right?)
***With regards to a previous statement, this blog would like to remind the world to be tolerant of people who are different than them... unless they are just really out there, in which case the only option is to enslave them...... All.***
Alright bye
So... Voodoo, right?
In that religion, it is common practice for priests to sacrifice animals as a blood tribute to their heathen gods (Disclaimer: NOT the judeochristian god, so they are clearly wrong), it is also commonplace to get the gods drunk before they ask for something (any man who has ever tried to pick up a woman at a bar knows this logic)...
I could go on for pages about Voodoo and everything it has worth laughing at, but that's not the comedy in this story...
So, imagine you live in Haiti...
No, no, you can't pretend it's the Bahamas instead, this role play actually has a point.
Oh, get your head out of the gutter, you know what I meant by "role play." Moron.
So, let's say you have family and a dog. Your house was destroyed in the recent seismic event. Your dog, for argument's sake let's call him "Sparky," is clearly the reason for this earthquake, and its death would pacify the god of... I don't know... mortgage banking... who decided to cause this earthquake in the first place because you didn't pay the bills.
So the priest demands your dog's blood. Just as they are getting ready to take out your favorite Labradoodle and send him down Mr. Mortgage Banker's gullet, a hatchet cleaves the priest's head in two.
The priest and his buddy priest are fed to the gods instead of Sparky, and your dog lives for another day.
That happened in Haiti. A mob hacked a Voodoo Priest to death during a ritual.
Cute, no?
My only question: What took them so long?
Is there really anyone who doesn't take a look at Voodoo and sprint out of there as quickly as they can?
Now, I know I'll get people saying "they're just different"
No, they're not... "they're just creepy!"
Your desire is to be possessed by spirits from the underworld who may or may not vanquish your enemies and send them to a place worse than hell?
That's very healthy.
Sign me up!
For anyone who doesn't get my point: Voodoo... is not Christianity and is therefore automatically bad. (that will win the republican readers, right?)
***With regards to a previous statement, this blog would like to remind the world to be tolerant of people who are different than them... unless they are just really out there, in which case the only option is to enslave them...... All.***
Alright bye
A Story Amongst Newsposts
This is a 2913 word long short story. I post it here only because it has relevance to the political world. It is, more or less, a prediction and a warning all in one to the people of planet Earth.
Enjoy... and... my human resources guy says I need a public service announcement in every few posts... soooooooo...
Uh... kids don't smoke? And and and don't try to get the dog high if you do smoke, because the dog has absolutely no idea what on Earth is going on when that happens.
My human resources guy is shaking his head. Whatever.
Here's the story:
"Democracy To The End
The end of time came far too soon. I don’t exactly know how it happened; was it a result of mass pollution, technological experimentation, or simple human arrogance? Most probably it was some combination of the three… with a plethora of additional factors. Whatever be the cause, the effect is as catastrophic as predicted by every fear monger in history. July 4, 2118, the planet Earth died.
I wasn’t born on our late fair planet. Actually, I was one of the first of the minority of the human species previously referred to as spacers; now they call us survivors. We spacers were born on one of Earth’s three colonies from the late ‘60’s on ‘til now. I, myself, was born on the Titan colony. Saturn’s largest moon, apparently, had favorable conditions for the United States to attempt the experiment that led to the formation of the first stellar colony. The three stellar colonies, Titan, Ganymede, and Mars are all the result of synthetic atmospheric pressurization and terraformation of the rocky surface for life sustainability.
The lunar colony (lost with Earth, unfortunately) had been the United States’ first real success as far as true expansion beyond its terra-locked territory. In 2054, an American physicist on the President’s staff discovered a formula to produce oxygen in mass quantities from the particles in void space. That formula earned Dr. Joseph Soong the congressional cross for ingenuity, and a fully paid retirement from that moment on. He refused the retirement, opting instead to help construct the lunar base and subsequent stellar bases for the next twenty years, retiring in ’74 to a colony he had made possible.
Soong had been the last protégé of Dr. Stephen Hawking, a physicist of brilliance beyond any before him. Soong himself surpassed even his mentor in terms of ingenuity, though it could be argued that was only due to the massive scientific expansion that occurred in the ‘20’s. The insanity of what became known as the Transdigital Revolution died down by 2040, when President Anthony Immensus Exitium was elected for his first term.
Exitium was inaugurated on the heels of the last Middle Eastern war which decimated the population and ruined the landscape of the region. Everybody knew the real war was Israel versus Iran and the rest was just filler; to be completely honest, to this day no one knows who dropped the first bomb. The war lasted six hours; long enough for intercontinental ballistic missiles to reach their targets, and the area went dark for a week. Not even the American Territory of Iraq was spared.
General Immensus Exitium had already made a name for himself during the Afghan Rebellion in 2031. Using sheer speed and incredible Military genius, Exitium’s forces stormed the bases of resistance and eliminated the entire ruling council of the organization without ever being fired upon. Of course, after the failure of the United States to ever catch Osama Bin-Laden, this was regarded as an incredible success.
After such a potent victory, Immensus Exitium began speaking in a more political sense. I remember my father telling me about Exitium’s speeches; he would never waffle around like so many politicians, which definitely helped secure his landslide victory in the Presidential race of 2040. It was under Exitium’s reign in office that the first seeds were sewn for our planet’s ultimate finality.
Exitium was an apt politician, nobody would argue with that, but his first, best calling was the Military. If there was a problem, the only solution he knew was Military means. What he never understood until he took office was that his biggest problem would not be a physical attack from a rival power or a revolt to quell, rather it was the plain and simple natural fact of overgrowth in the population, and, consequently, overuse of natural resources.
Maybe it would have happened this way under any politician, maybe not, but how it happened was under President Exitium’s rule. On December 31, 2040, the oil market failed. Saudi Arabia and its surrounding countries had been irradiated earlier in the year, so oil was harder to come by, but price was really the only issue for about four months. Nobody truly realized how quickly the reserve oil and other sources would be depleted (or, more accurately, the people who did realize it were silenced with accusations of being conspiracy theorists and fear mongers) but depleted they were, and there was no hope of getting it back.
Exitium tried to make it seem less catastrophic than it was, but for the first time, people were not listening to him. Mass panic broke out in the streets and chaos ensued. Fortunately for Exitium, his Military was fiercely loyal to him and him alone. “For my country” to the military brass now meant “For my president.” It took all of forty five minutes for total Martial Law to lock into place across the country. “For the safety of the people” Exitium was granted emergency powers from the Legislative branch (For years, rumors circled that the President had used military pressure along with other connections to get to a majority of both the House and the Senate to side with him for his initial emergency thrust, but it was never proven until 2096, and the woman who gathered the evidence and wrote that essay was hanged without trial for “attempting to incite chaos.”).
The first law Exitium enacted with his new authority banned the use of petroleum based automobiles. Only electric cars could be driven (no surprise that his wife immediately bought huge amounts of stock in the electric car company). He then almost immediately formed a committee of scientists dubbed the “Energy Union” whose initial job was to come up with any form of feasible, long-term alternative energy source to replace oil. Two years later, the union found a way to synthesize petroleum but by then, Exitium had cleaned house.
The first to go was the House of Representatives. Exitium made sense, in a time when we need swift decisions, the last thing we need is more senseless debate. The people cried out in agreement, and by 2042, Congress had been disbanded.
Next to go was the nine-justice system in the Supreme Court. Who needed that? Granted, the Supreme Court needed more than one justice, but three would do. Speedier and less politically weighed results that way, Exitium had argued. Again, the people agreed; anything to get them out of their ditch faster. So the Supreme Court was dismissed in early ‘42 and replaced with three entirely new justices, all of whom had honorable military records in the Judge Advocate General’s Corps.
By 2043 when petrol synthate was first produced, Exitium had militarized law enforcement, the FBI and the CIA. “For the safety of the United States and her citizens” the police would be given the right to search and seizure without cause, and the FBI would be randomly surveying peoples’ homes. Nobody even protested, anything to keep them from falling into what happened in the Middle East.
According to so many people, including my parents, that time was a time of intrigue and mystery and endless possibilities. Scientists had synthesized oil, what else could they manage? Dr. Joseph Soong, the head of the Energy Union, petitioned the government for an extension on his grant. Exitium jumped on the chance, openly chanting that it would be “un-American” to refuse such a request.
In 2044, after being reelected, President Exitium was approached by a senator from Vermont, who publicly requested he lift Martial Law and curfew, given the fact that it was no longer needed. The President actually laughed in the man’s face, calling him a fool, and suggested that he take a good look at the Middle East before he said anything so unpatriotic again. At the time, enough senators sided with Exitium that it was overlooked. The senator from Vermont, however, was shot two weeks later by a “rogue” nineteen year old army corporal, who was arrested and freed on lack of evidence (that same corporal, incidentally, became the secretary of defense to President Immensus Exitium II in 2072).
When the request for Martial Law removal did reappear, two years later, it was backed by forty senators. Exitium arrested them for conspiracy to overthrow the government. To the majority of the public, the senate had staged a coup d’état, and it was only natural for the president to keep it from happening again. It was simple, clean, painless, and absolute. By 2047, there was no more senate to rule against Exitium’s retraction of the “two-terms” clause from the constitution. The Supreme Court ratified it in a day, and the President submitted his candidacy for the 2048 election. He won with 78% of the popular vote.
In 2050, just after the invention of the widely used “holodeck” (a sensory entertainment that transformed movies and games so that the user was physically in the story), President Exitium announced that he would be discussing United States expansion with Canada over the next coming weeks, and that the people of America should be ready for an era of joy and contentedness in a new, larger world.
What came next was stricken from public record and is framed by two dates: May 6, 2050; and August 21, 2050. On May 6, the president of the United States of America went with a special envoy to Canada to examine the possibility of expansion. On August 21, the nation of Canada surrendered to superior American forces. There is no casualty list from what we now call the “Unspoken War,” but Canada seemed uncharacteristically unpopulated to the families who moved into the newest fourteen states in the union. The Canadian people were just gone… but Americans had elbow room. We did not know until 2118 what the vanishing of the Canadian people really meant, but we were so desperate for good news that we did not care.
The next ten years passed quite smoothly with no real radical changes other than the previously mentioned lunar colonization in ‘54. As an aside, that lunar colony turned out to be the perfect place for Exitium and his military to store whatever he wanted stashed away for later. Several politicians conveniently disappeared and the Democrats and Republicans slowly merged into one party (the American Party, founded by Exitium himself). The country continued to love Exitium, “the first president to lead a truly safe America,” one reporter said.
In 2060, the Supreme Court unanimously suggested an extension of the president’s term to twelve years. The president signed his approval, and two months later was elected to office by 100% of the voters (his name was the only one on the ballot, after all, parties other than the American party were un-American, and not nominating the current president would be quite un-American of the American party). In ’62 the first “expander craft” was launched with supplies to start a colony on Mars, followed a year later by the Ganymede and Titan expeditions.
The three colonies were a symbol of hope to America; we would not be squeezed out by the planet we lived on. We could spread and live on in other areas of the galaxy. In ’64, nine ships launched carrying sixteen families each to the new colonies. They were promised everything they wanted as long as they would go, and it was no lie. Life on the stellar colonies was prosperous and easy. Cities were, literally, space-age in design, and the artificial atmosphere was free of pollutants. No wonder my parents stayed. In 2068, I was born on the Titan colony, the first of three siblings. Sorry, getting a little sentimental in my middle age.
Dr. Joseph Soong, as his last hurrah to science, offered up a medical breakthrough he dubbed “the elixir of life” in 2070. The medicine, when taken semi-regularly, defeated the signs of aging and cured any viral disease. The average life span went from about 90 to 105 in ten years. Exitium, some would say thankfully, had a tolerance to the elixir, and kept aging with the best of them.
Incidentally, Martial Law was never lifted. Exitium held on to the notion of its necessity by indicating the massive plummet of crime rates in each of the sixty-four states. That fact was undeniable. By 2072, when Exitium finally stepped down from power, nobody even questioned Martial Law’s legitimacy and purpose. It was a part of life.
President Exitium II was elected (again, 100%) in 2072 to sit a term through 2084. He (decidedly unfortunately) could take the elixir. Exitium II was like his dear old dad without the military finesse or experience. He had been brought up watching his father, but he never really got the art. It was his doing that the US got into the ten year war in 2073 that, yes, won it all of Central and South America, but also took a nice chunk out of the American population. In 2083, though, even the combined forces of South America were no match for the US. They surrendered on the same day that Exitium I died peacefully in his sleep.
At least Exitium II waited until his second term to sever ties with the United Nations. Not that it mattered. The UN was nothing more than a symbol, powerless to stop anything. For years the United States did whatever it wanted, and nobody stopped them. In 2090, the council dissolved permanently, and diplomacy became a game of barter.
The highest bidder in the political world won the treaty, and treaties were not even sacred. International laws became guidelines, then suggestions, then afterthoughts. With that, however, national law became questionable as well; and without his father’s influence, President Exitium II found it harder and harder to hold on to his position of power. In the name of order, Exitium II made hundreds of random arrests and dozens of public executions for “unpatriotic behavior” and “treasonous intent.”
Even that could not hold the chaos off forever. The Supreme Court in one, last ditch effort to secure power for themselves and the President, voted the President’s term a lifetime position, but barely anybody took notice. First states separated from one another, then districts, then cities, towns, neighborhoods. Everywhere you looked there was a different regime vying for ultimate control. Martial Law became meaningless when people began smuggling weapons contraband from Central America to combat the military. Even parts of the military were joining the fray.
America was not alone in this nonsense by any means. Britain and France went to war over territory, as did China and Russia. Everywhere was riddled with internal disputes. There were just too many people and not enough living space.
The last straw broke on July 3, 2118, one day before the end of ends. Three new shuttles launched to the stellar colonies carrying civilians and military personnel alike. A massive insurgent strike force stormed the launch pad, firing high yield explosives at the shuttles. Two were destroyed, one was damaged severely but managed to make it out with several casualties.
The next day, that shuttle was still within range of Earth to hear Exitium II make his announcement. It was still in range to detect the shockwave after it happened. It was still in range when there was nothing but silence. Exitium II explained, button on the trigger, a crazed look in his eyes, that for their own protection, the people of the United States and the world must be calmed forcefully. As his father had used this weapon against the Canadian people so many years ago, now he would take the next step and use it as a means to achieve massive calm and peace. The weapon was housed on the surface of the moon, and it would strategically destroy city after city as it came in target range. “The disruptor” was capable of vaporizing animal tissue and leaving the rest intact to be plundered.
With a grin and a murmured “Happy Independence Day!” He pushed the button. The rest is history. The power needed to fire the disruptor shook the moon to pieces and it fell, causing a cloud of debris to rise over Earth, changing its gravitational mass so drastically that it imploded. Like that, in the span of an hour, it was gone.
So that’s that. Where there were once nine-billion strong souls, now there are fewer than a million human beings left alive. Our experience proves you can’t out run nature, you can’t hide from your destiny, you can only try and stave off your ultimate finality. Could we, as a people, have had a better option than what happened to us? Of course we could have. I cannot possibly tell you what option that would be, but there are any infinite numbers of possibilities that could play in to any avoidance of finality.
My grandfather, Dr. Joseph Soong, had a vision of hope and prosperity for all mankind; a vision he did not live to see. I share his vision. I, too, am a man of science, and my truest ambition is to see a perfect humanity form from the ashes of the old. My grandfather gave our species a fighting chance to survive, and I, Dr. Arik Soong, and my children will continue his quest until the end of our line. I raise a glass: to a new humanity; to three new Earths."
Yup, that's my view of the next hundred years. If you're worried, you should be! Also, Immensus is Latin for infinite and Exitium is Latin for destruction, so that's a little secret you might otherwise have had to google or something.
Oh yeah, all hail the great disruptor!
Enjoy... and... my human resources guy says I need a public service announcement in every few posts... soooooooo...
Uh... kids don't smoke? And and and don't try to get the dog high if you do smoke, because the dog has absolutely no idea what on Earth is going on when that happens.
My human resources guy is shaking his head. Whatever.
Here's the story:
"Democracy To The End
The end of time came far too soon. I don’t exactly know how it happened; was it a result of mass pollution, technological experimentation, or simple human arrogance? Most probably it was some combination of the three… with a plethora of additional factors. Whatever be the cause, the effect is as catastrophic as predicted by every fear monger in history. July 4, 2118, the planet Earth died.
I wasn’t born on our late fair planet. Actually, I was one of the first of the minority of the human species previously referred to as spacers; now they call us survivors. We spacers were born on one of Earth’s three colonies from the late ‘60’s on ‘til now. I, myself, was born on the Titan colony. Saturn’s largest moon, apparently, had favorable conditions for the United States to attempt the experiment that led to the formation of the first stellar colony. The three stellar colonies, Titan, Ganymede, and Mars are all the result of synthetic atmospheric pressurization and terraformation of the rocky surface for life sustainability.
The lunar colony (lost with Earth, unfortunately) had been the United States’ first real success as far as true expansion beyond its terra-locked territory. In 2054, an American physicist on the President’s staff discovered a formula to produce oxygen in mass quantities from the particles in void space. That formula earned Dr. Joseph Soong the congressional cross for ingenuity, and a fully paid retirement from that moment on. He refused the retirement, opting instead to help construct the lunar base and subsequent stellar bases for the next twenty years, retiring in ’74 to a colony he had made possible.
Soong had been the last protégé of Dr. Stephen Hawking, a physicist of brilliance beyond any before him. Soong himself surpassed even his mentor in terms of ingenuity, though it could be argued that was only due to the massive scientific expansion that occurred in the ‘20’s. The insanity of what became known as the Transdigital Revolution died down by 2040, when President Anthony Immensus Exitium was elected for his first term.
Exitium was inaugurated on the heels of the last Middle Eastern war which decimated the population and ruined the landscape of the region. Everybody knew the real war was Israel versus Iran and the rest was just filler; to be completely honest, to this day no one knows who dropped the first bomb. The war lasted six hours; long enough for intercontinental ballistic missiles to reach their targets, and the area went dark for a week. Not even the American Territory of Iraq was spared.
General Immensus Exitium had already made a name for himself during the Afghan Rebellion in 2031. Using sheer speed and incredible Military genius, Exitium’s forces stormed the bases of resistance and eliminated the entire ruling council of the organization without ever being fired upon. Of course, after the failure of the United States to ever catch Osama Bin-Laden, this was regarded as an incredible success.
After such a potent victory, Immensus Exitium began speaking in a more political sense. I remember my father telling me about Exitium’s speeches; he would never waffle around like so many politicians, which definitely helped secure his landslide victory in the Presidential race of 2040. It was under Exitium’s reign in office that the first seeds were sewn for our planet’s ultimate finality.
Exitium was an apt politician, nobody would argue with that, but his first, best calling was the Military. If there was a problem, the only solution he knew was Military means. What he never understood until he took office was that his biggest problem would not be a physical attack from a rival power or a revolt to quell, rather it was the plain and simple natural fact of overgrowth in the population, and, consequently, overuse of natural resources.
Maybe it would have happened this way under any politician, maybe not, but how it happened was under President Exitium’s rule. On December 31, 2040, the oil market failed. Saudi Arabia and its surrounding countries had been irradiated earlier in the year, so oil was harder to come by, but price was really the only issue for about four months. Nobody truly realized how quickly the reserve oil and other sources would be depleted (or, more accurately, the people who did realize it were silenced with accusations of being conspiracy theorists and fear mongers) but depleted they were, and there was no hope of getting it back.
Exitium tried to make it seem less catastrophic than it was, but for the first time, people were not listening to him. Mass panic broke out in the streets and chaos ensued. Fortunately for Exitium, his Military was fiercely loyal to him and him alone. “For my country” to the military brass now meant “For my president.” It took all of forty five minutes for total Martial Law to lock into place across the country. “For the safety of the people” Exitium was granted emergency powers from the Legislative branch (For years, rumors circled that the President had used military pressure along with other connections to get to a majority of both the House and the Senate to side with him for his initial emergency thrust, but it was never proven until 2096, and the woman who gathered the evidence and wrote that essay was hanged without trial for “attempting to incite chaos.”).
The first law Exitium enacted with his new authority banned the use of petroleum based automobiles. Only electric cars could be driven (no surprise that his wife immediately bought huge amounts of stock in the electric car company). He then almost immediately formed a committee of scientists dubbed the “Energy Union” whose initial job was to come up with any form of feasible, long-term alternative energy source to replace oil. Two years later, the union found a way to synthesize petroleum but by then, Exitium had cleaned house.
The first to go was the House of Representatives. Exitium made sense, in a time when we need swift decisions, the last thing we need is more senseless debate. The people cried out in agreement, and by 2042, Congress had been disbanded.
Next to go was the nine-justice system in the Supreme Court. Who needed that? Granted, the Supreme Court needed more than one justice, but three would do. Speedier and less politically weighed results that way, Exitium had argued. Again, the people agreed; anything to get them out of their ditch faster. So the Supreme Court was dismissed in early ‘42 and replaced with three entirely new justices, all of whom had honorable military records in the Judge Advocate General’s Corps.
By 2043 when petrol synthate was first produced, Exitium had militarized law enforcement, the FBI and the CIA. “For the safety of the United States and her citizens” the police would be given the right to search and seizure without cause, and the FBI would be randomly surveying peoples’ homes. Nobody even protested, anything to keep them from falling into what happened in the Middle East.
According to so many people, including my parents, that time was a time of intrigue and mystery and endless possibilities. Scientists had synthesized oil, what else could they manage? Dr. Joseph Soong, the head of the Energy Union, petitioned the government for an extension on his grant. Exitium jumped on the chance, openly chanting that it would be “un-American” to refuse such a request.
In 2044, after being reelected, President Exitium was approached by a senator from Vermont, who publicly requested he lift Martial Law and curfew, given the fact that it was no longer needed. The President actually laughed in the man’s face, calling him a fool, and suggested that he take a good look at the Middle East before he said anything so unpatriotic again. At the time, enough senators sided with Exitium that it was overlooked. The senator from Vermont, however, was shot two weeks later by a “rogue” nineteen year old army corporal, who was arrested and freed on lack of evidence (that same corporal, incidentally, became the secretary of defense to President Immensus Exitium II in 2072).
When the request for Martial Law removal did reappear, two years later, it was backed by forty senators. Exitium arrested them for conspiracy to overthrow the government. To the majority of the public, the senate had staged a coup d’état, and it was only natural for the president to keep it from happening again. It was simple, clean, painless, and absolute. By 2047, there was no more senate to rule against Exitium’s retraction of the “two-terms” clause from the constitution. The Supreme Court ratified it in a day, and the President submitted his candidacy for the 2048 election. He won with 78% of the popular vote.
In 2050, just after the invention of the widely used “holodeck” (a sensory entertainment that transformed movies and games so that the user was physically in the story), President Exitium announced that he would be discussing United States expansion with Canada over the next coming weeks, and that the people of America should be ready for an era of joy and contentedness in a new, larger world.
What came next was stricken from public record and is framed by two dates: May 6, 2050; and August 21, 2050. On May 6, the president of the United States of America went with a special envoy to Canada to examine the possibility of expansion. On August 21, the nation of Canada surrendered to superior American forces. There is no casualty list from what we now call the “Unspoken War,” but Canada seemed uncharacteristically unpopulated to the families who moved into the newest fourteen states in the union. The Canadian people were just gone… but Americans had elbow room. We did not know until 2118 what the vanishing of the Canadian people really meant, but we were so desperate for good news that we did not care.
The next ten years passed quite smoothly with no real radical changes other than the previously mentioned lunar colonization in ‘54. As an aside, that lunar colony turned out to be the perfect place for Exitium and his military to store whatever he wanted stashed away for later. Several politicians conveniently disappeared and the Democrats and Republicans slowly merged into one party (the American Party, founded by Exitium himself). The country continued to love Exitium, “the first president to lead a truly safe America,” one reporter said.
In 2060, the Supreme Court unanimously suggested an extension of the president’s term to twelve years. The president signed his approval, and two months later was elected to office by 100% of the voters (his name was the only one on the ballot, after all, parties other than the American party were un-American, and not nominating the current president would be quite un-American of the American party). In ’62 the first “expander craft” was launched with supplies to start a colony on Mars, followed a year later by the Ganymede and Titan expeditions.
The three colonies were a symbol of hope to America; we would not be squeezed out by the planet we lived on. We could spread and live on in other areas of the galaxy. In ’64, nine ships launched carrying sixteen families each to the new colonies. They were promised everything they wanted as long as they would go, and it was no lie. Life on the stellar colonies was prosperous and easy. Cities were, literally, space-age in design, and the artificial atmosphere was free of pollutants. No wonder my parents stayed. In 2068, I was born on the Titan colony, the first of three siblings. Sorry, getting a little sentimental in my middle age.
Dr. Joseph Soong, as his last hurrah to science, offered up a medical breakthrough he dubbed “the elixir of life” in 2070. The medicine, when taken semi-regularly, defeated the signs of aging and cured any viral disease. The average life span went from about 90 to 105 in ten years. Exitium, some would say thankfully, had a tolerance to the elixir, and kept aging with the best of them.
Incidentally, Martial Law was never lifted. Exitium held on to the notion of its necessity by indicating the massive plummet of crime rates in each of the sixty-four states. That fact was undeniable. By 2072, when Exitium finally stepped down from power, nobody even questioned Martial Law’s legitimacy and purpose. It was a part of life.
President Exitium II was elected (again, 100%) in 2072 to sit a term through 2084. He (decidedly unfortunately) could take the elixir. Exitium II was like his dear old dad without the military finesse or experience. He had been brought up watching his father, but he never really got the art. It was his doing that the US got into the ten year war in 2073 that, yes, won it all of Central and South America, but also took a nice chunk out of the American population. In 2083, though, even the combined forces of South America were no match for the US. They surrendered on the same day that Exitium I died peacefully in his sleep.
At least Exitium II waited until his second term to sever ties with the United Nations. Not that it mattered. The UN was nothing more than a symbol, powerless to stop anything. For years the United States did whatever it wanted, and nobody stopped them. In 2090, the council dissolved permanently, and diplomacy became a game of barter.
The highest bidder in the political world won the treaty, and treaties were not even sacred. International laws became guidelines, then suggestions, then afterthoughts. With that, however, national law became questionable as well; and without his father’s influence, President Exitium II found it harder and harder to hold on to his position of power. In the name of order, Exitium II made hundreds of random arrests and dozens of public executions for “unpatriotic behavior” and “treasonous intent.”
Even that could not hold the chaos off forever. The Supreme Court in one, last ditch effort to secure power for themselves and the President, voted the President’s term a lifetime position, but barely anybody took notice. First states separated from one another, then districts, then cities, towns, neighborhoods. Everywhere you looked there was a different regime vying for ultimate control. Martial Law became meaningless when people began smuggling weapons contraband from Central America to combat the military. Even parts of the military were joining the fray.
America was not alone in this nonsense by any means. Britain and France went to war over territory, as did China and Russia. Everywhere was riddled with internal disputes. There were just too many people and not enough living space.
The last straw broke on July 3, 2118, one day before the end of ends. Three new shuttles launched to the stellar colonies carrying civilians and military personnel alike. A massive insurgent strike force stormed the launch pad, firing high yield explosives at the shuttles. Two were destroyed, one was damaged severely but managed to make it out with several casualties.
The next day, that shuttle was still within range of Earth to hear Exitium II make his announcement. It was still in range to detect the shockwave after it happened. It was still in range when there was nothing but silence. Exitium II explained, button on the trigger, a crazed look in his eyes, that for their own protection, the people of the United States and the world must be calmed forcefully. As his father had used this weapon against the Canadian people so many years ago, now he would take the next step and use it as a means to achieve massive calm and peace. The weapon was housed on the surface of the moon, and it would strategically destroy city after city as it came in target range. “The disruptor” was capable of vaporizing animal tissue and leaving the rest intact to be plundered.
With a grin and a murmured “Happy Independence Day!” He pushed the button. The rest is history. The power needed to fire the disruptor shook the moon to pieces and it fell, causing a cloud of debris to rise over Earth, changing its gravitational mass so drastically that it imploded. Like that, in the span of an hour, it was gone.
So that’s that. Where there were once nine-billion strong souls, now there are fewer than a million human beings left alive. Our experience proves you can’t out run nature, you can’t hide from your destiny, you can only try and stave off your ultimate finality. Could we, as a people, have had a better option than what happened to us? Of course we could have. I cannot possibly tell you what option that would be, but there are any infinite numbers of possibilities that could play in to any avoidance of finality.
My grandfather, Dr. Joseph Soong, had a vision of hope and prosperity for all mankind; a vision he did not live to see. I share his vision. I, too, am a man of science, and my truest ambition is to see a perfect humanity form from the ashes of the old. My grandfather gave our species a fighting chance to survive, and I, Dr. Arik Soong, and my children will continue his quest until the end of our line. I raise a glass: to a new humanity; to three new Earths."
Yup, that's my view of the next hundred years. If you're worried, you should be! Also, Immensus is Latin for infinite and Exitium is Latin for destruction, so that's a little secret you might otherwise have had to google or something.
Oh yeah, all hail the great disruptor!
1/10/2011
The Despicable Event of January 8, 2011
I know that most of the time, We here at Blasphemy like to make fun of anything and everything that comes our way, however, there comes a time where nothing funny can be taken from a situation.
On Saturday, a tragedy occurred in Tucson Arizona; a single shooter, Jared Lee Loughner opened fire on Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, standing on a street corner answering the questions and addressing the requests of the people who elected her.
Twenty people, including the Congresswoman and a Federal Judge, were hit. Six people, including the Judge and a nine year old girl were killed, the other fourteen are in stable to critical condition. Congresswoman Giffords was hit in the head and is now in serious condition. Loughner was tackled to the ground by two bystanders whilst he attempted to reload his gun. If you ask me, they should have snapped his socially stunted little neck.
How is it that people could even dream to make excuses for Loughner? The man is 22, and people are trying to make the case that because he was socially awkward, he deserves a break.
No!
No he does not deserve a break, he does not deserve mercy, he does not deserve a second chance! This man deserves a slow, painful death for what he did.
Let me be clear, I am not biased, I live nowhere near Arizona, I know none of the people involved in the shooting on either end. All I know is that Loughner deserves a death sentence, and the guys who tackled him deserve medals.
It is men like Jared Loughner that single handedly alter so much for the rest of us. An idea, even a radical one, is one thing, to impose the idea through violence is completely different. Once a person reaches that level of self delusion that they are completely right and nobody else's opinions matter at all, their position here is forfeit, and they no longer deserve a place amongst us.
As an addition: Fidel Castro condemned the shooting. I say we throw Loughner to Castro, let him take care of the little shit. I guarantee, an example will be made.
So, here's to hope of the speedy and complete recovery of Congresswoman Giffords... and to the execution of justice upon Jared Lee Loughner.
May whatever god he believes in have mercy on his soul... I doubt it will.
On Saturday, a tragedy occurred in Tucson Arizona; a single shooter, Jared Lee Loughner opened fire on Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, standing on a street corner answering the questions and addressing the requests of the people who elected her.
Twenty people, including the Congresswoman and a Federal Judge, were hit. Six people, including the Judge and a nine year old girl were killed, the other fourteen are in stable to critical condition. Congresswoman Giffords was hit in the head and is now in serious condition. Loughner was tackled to the ground by two bystanders whilst he attempted to reload his gun. If you ask me, they should have snapped his socially stunted little neck.
How is it that people could even dream to make excuses for Loughner? The man is 22, and people are trying to make the case that because he was socially awkward, he deserves a break.
No!
No he does not deserve a break, he does not deserve mercy, he does not deserve a second chance! This man deserves a slow, painful death for what he did.
Let me be clear, I am not biased, I live nowhere near Arizona, I know none of the people involved in the shooting on either end. All I know is that Loughner deserves a death sentence, and the guys who tackled him deserve medals.
It is men like Jared Loughner that single handedly alter so much for the rest of us. An idea, even a radical one, is one thing, to impose the idea through violence is completely different. Once a person reaches that level of self delusion that they are completely right and nobody else's opinions matter at all, their position here is forfeit, and they no longer deserve a place amongst us.
As an addition: Fidel Castro condemned the shooting. I say we throw Loughner to Castro, let him take care of the little shit. I guarantee, an example will be made.
So, here's to hope of the speedy and complete recovery of Congresswoman Giffords... and to the execution of justice upon Jared Lee Loughner.
May whatever god he believes in have mercy on his soul... I doubt it will.
1/07/2011
A Book Review?
No, this isn't a book review.
This is us judging a book by its cover.
Decision Points by George W. Bush
Yup...
What else can we say, seriously?
Here is the publisher's information
Here is the link for people who, like me, like comedy so much that they would be willing to buy this book (more likely the audiobook for me, actually, it's "read by the author" How could you pass that up?)
More on this to follow once I actually read the book...
This is us judging a book by its cover.
Decision Points by George W. Bush
Yup...
What else can we say, seriously?
Here is the publisher's information
Here is the link for people who, like me, like comedy so much that they would be willing to buy this book (more likely the audiobook for me, actually, it's "read by the author" How could you pass that up?)
More on this to follow once I actually read the book...
1/06/2011
Why Maryland?!?
Uh-huh
So... terrorists just suck now don't they?
I've always hated people who prey on peoples' fears for their own gain... but for the first time I find myself pitying them.
A box exploded in Maryland today and injured one person.
What?! Where the hell did that come from?!
You don't ATTACK Maryland... you drive through Maryland on your way to DC and don't even notice you were there.
The Maryland state sign even says, "Welcome to Maryland... you are now leaving Maryland"
Do we even TALK about Maryland? Do they have a sports team of note? Someone special who came from there? Because I was pretty sure that they were the state in the union that is most easily compared to old grandma sitting in her rocking chair on the porch... you know... when she's already dead but no one notices yet because the chair is still rocking and she never talks anyway.
So yeah, a box blew up in Maryland, and the terrorists are losing their touch.
I am now less concerned about the safety of my country than I was this morning.
So... terrorists just suck now don't they?
I've always hated people who prey on peoples' fears for their own gain... but for the first time I find myself pitying them.
A box exploded in Maryland today and injured one person.
What?! Where the hell did that come from?!
You don't ATTACK Maryland... you drive through Maryland on your way to DC and don't even notice you were there.
The Maryland state sign even says, "Welcome to Maryland... you are now leaving Maryland"
Do we even TALK about Maryland? Do they have a sports team of note? Someone special who came from there? Because I was pretty sure that they were the state in the union that is most easily compared to old grandma sitting in her rocking chair on the porch... you know... when she's already dead but no one notices yet because the chair is still rocking and she never talks anyway.
So yeah, a box blew up in Maryland, and the terrorists are losing their touch.
I am now less concerned about the safety of my country than I was this morning.
Dead Stuff
This is grade-A creepy
Evidently the rest of the world has been asleep for the past few days because NO ONE is freaking out about what happened on NEW YEARS DAY!!!
As you read (presumably) above, a bunch of fish and birds just decided to die on us in one day.
This has not happened since the bible days when God smote the... whatever the hell was the last thing he smote (he's really a mean guy, isn't he? Something tells me the authors got his personality wrong).
The birds were flying along, minding their own business, and they just dropped dead. Same with the fish... only they were swimming... but the point remains, this is WEIRD.
Even stranger: only ONE species of fish and ONE species of bird died en masse. Well, that's convenient.
You know what the media says? LIGHTNING! Massive lightning strike or fireworks or a spook meteor shower. WHO IS BUYING THAT?! If you believe for a SECOND that a freak accident can kill 5000 birds of the same species across the state of Arkansas, you need to be locked up; you are a danger to society.
The conspiracy theory: it's a biological weapon that can target ONE species.
The scary part: The conspiracy theory is FAR more feasible than the media's version.
Bioweapons are a great plan! Target one group, get rid of them, leave the wealth...
Here's the big problem that anyone in a high school biology class would pick up on. BIOLOGICAL weapons are BIOLOGICAL. AKA they are ALIVE. Things that are ALIVE adapt to their environment in order to survive. Q.E.D. It kills everything it's supposed to, it will learn how to kill everything else...
Go drink something, you're looking pale...
Theories are everywhere, of course, but what is the truth?
I think it's mass fish and bird suicide... They were told that they could get to a mothership high in orbit of Earth if they killed themselves in Arkansas on New Years Day.
***Stupid joke? I wasn't kidding... remember about ten, twenty years ago, that really happened, only with people? That was heaven's gate. Yup, it's real. A group of several young Americans killed themselves in a mansion (IN A MANSION) because a man named Bo and his partner Peep (no s****ing on that one either) told them they could get to the Hale Bopp Comet if they castrated, then killed themselves. It's in the public archives if you need proof. Anyway, I digress...***
My point is simple, you can't just write this off. For some reason, only one species of fish and one species of bird was targeted by this sudden purge... all I can tell for certain is that we don't know the whole story. I'll tell you this much, this was no meteor shower...
In the mean time, keep this basic sacred truth in mind:
NOTHING HAPPENS ON HOLIDAYS THAT ISN'T PLANNED!
Evidently the rest of the world has been asleep for the past few days because NO ONE is freaking out about what happened on NEW YEARS DAY!!!
As you read (presumably) above, a bunch of fish and birds just decided to die on us in one day.
This has not happened since the bible days when God smote the... whatever the hell was the last thing he smote (he's really a mean guy, isn't he? Something tells me the authors got his personality wrong).
The birds were flying along, minding their own business, and they just dropped dead. Same with the fish... only they were swimming... but the point remains, this is WEIRD.
Even stranger: only ONE species of fish and ONE species of bird died en masse. Well, that's convenient.
You know what the media says? LIGHTNING! Massive lightning strike or fireworks or a spook meteor shower. WHO IS BUYING THAT?! If you believe for a SECOND that a freak accident can kill 5000 birds of the same species across the state of Arkansas, you need to be locked up; you are a danger to society.
The conspiracy theory: it's a biological weapon that can target ONE species.
The scary part: The conspiracy theory is FAR more feasible than the media's version.
Bioweapons are a great plan! Target one group, get rid of them, leave the wealth...
Here's the big problem that anyone in a high school biology class would pick up on. BIOLOGICAL weapons are BIOLOGICAL. AKA they are ALIVE. Things that are ALIVE adapt to their environment in order to survive. Q.E.D. It kills everything it's supposed to, it will learn how to kill everything else...
Go drink something, you're looking pale...
Theories are everywhere, of course, but what is the truth?
I think it's mass fish and bird suicide... They were told that they could get to a mothership high in orbit of Earth if they killed themselves in Arkansas on New Years Day.
***Stupid joke? I wasn't kidding... remember about ten, twenty years ago, that really happened, only with people? That was heaven's gate. Yup, it's real. A group of several young Americans killed themselves in a mansion (IN A MANSION) because a man named Bo and his partner Peep (no s****ing on that one either) told them they could get to the Hale Bopp Comet if they castrated, then killed themselves. It's in the public archives if you need proof. Anyway, I digress...***
My point is simple, you can't just write this off. For some reason, only one species of fish and one species of bird was targeted by this sudden purge... all I can tell for certain is that we don't know the whole story. I'll tell you this much, this was no meteor shower...
In the mean time, keep this basic sacred truth in mind:
NOTHING HAPPENS ON HOLIDAYS THAT ISN'T PLANNED!
1/05/2011
The Weather Graph
By popular demand, this blog will have periodical updates on the weather status of the place where it happens to be written, along with a brief description.
Dead and Frozen..........x..............................Frozen
(the "x" is where we are for those of you too stupid to get that on your own)
So yes... the weather here is cold. Very cold. Like, arctic levels of ice-cold. For all you New Yorkers who thought that blizzard on Christmas was the worst it got... thank your lucky stars you aren't here.
Forecast: Frostbite... lots and lots of frostbite
Chances for precipitation are quite high at 173% this week.
The dewpoint would have something to add but it left for warmer climates, we expect to have it back some time before July.
The weather is also a sad turn in the news for moviegoers everywhere. Since this weather is ideal for “snuggling up and catching a flick with some hot chocolate,” theaters will all be packed. We predict at least seven deaths related to violence in the theater today alone.
Animals everywhere are protesting the drastic changes in climate for “screwing up their damn hibernation cycle.” Rallies scheduled to protest the weather tomorrow afternoon at the big tree in the park.
Dead and Frozen..........x..............................Frozen
(the "x" is where we are for those of you too stupid to get that on your own)
So yes... the weather here is cold. Very cold. Like, arctic levels of ice-cold. For all you New Yorkers who thought that blizzard on Christmas was the worst it got... thank your lucky stars you aren't here.
Forecast: Frostbite... lots and lots of frostbite
Chances for precipitation are quite high at 173% this week.
The dewpoint would have something to add but it left for warmer climates, we expect to have it back some time before July.
The weather is also a sad turn in the news for moviegoers everywhere. Since this weather is ideal for “snuggling up and catching a flick with some hot chocolate,” theaters will all be packed. We predict at least seven deaths related to violence in the theater today alone.
Animals everywhere are protesting the drastic changes in climate for “screwing up their damn hibernation cycle.” Rallies scheduled to protest the weather tomorrow afternoon at the big tree in the park.
1/04/2011
Happy New Year
I won't make you read an article for this.
Now that it's 2011...
1. It's official folks, we don't have a national color anymore. STOP TITTERING RACISTS, I MEANT POLITICAL COLOR! As of yesterday the US House of Representatives is red. The US Senate, however, remains blue. Anyone who thinks anything will get done for the next two years in a legislative sense, please click here I have a beautiful bridge to sell you (great condition, only a hundred or so years old. Newly remodeled [I think]).
2. We are only one year away from 2012! Will we make it to the year to end all years? Tune in to "Blasphemy" in 2013 for the answer. ***The writers and producers of this blog would like it noted that 2012 will not be the year to end all years, that year was 2000 when the votes were miscounted in a major election resulting in the elevation of a Texan Governor and frat boy to the position of US President***
3. American Idol without Simon.
Thank the gods.
4. Sarah Palin will do something in Alaska that makes us all chuckle behind our hands. You know, we shouldn't complain about her so much, she makes for GREAT comic relief from daily stresses.
5. The world's oil will continue to be depleted and as a response our government will double our coal use! I know I want black lung disease, don't you?!
6. North Korea
7. Apple will release the next generation iPods: iPhone & iPod Touch - now with holographic projection technology! iPod Nano - The smallest mp3 player in history with a 4.2 millimeter touchscreen. iPod Shuffle - in the recent tradition of going back one model design, returns to its beginning shape as a flash drive with buttons, and iPod classic 320 gigabyte capacity that is roughly the size of a gameboy color.
8. Microsoft will start working on Windows 8 which will compete with Apples OSXII, code named "endangered-dung-beetle-big-cat"
9. The next generation game consoles will be announced by Microsoft (XBOX SPHERE), Sony (Playstation StandStill), and Nintendo (Yoo) which will all be controlled by brainwaves from another room.
10. Scientists will successfully form the first human clone, Joan Rivers, which will convince everyone NEVER to try it again.
So those are in the cards for these next twelve months... who knows what other horrible fates could befall us? You know what... end of the world in 2012 is looking pretty nice from here.
Good Luck all! Happy 2011 (2410 to Star Trek Online players)
Now that it's 2011...
1. It's official folks, we don't have a national color anymore. STOP TITTERING RACISTS, I MEANT POLITICAL COLOR! As of yesterday the US House of Representatives is red. The US Senate, however, remains blue. Anyone who thinks anything will get done for the next two years in a legislative sense, please click here I have a beautiful bridge to sell you (great condition, only a hundred or so years old. Newly remodeled [I think]).
2. We are only one year away from 2012! Will we make it to the year to end all years? Tune in to "Blasphemy" in 2013 for the answer. ***The writers and producers of this blog would like it noted that 2012 will not be the year to end all years, that year was 2000 when the votes were miscounted in a major election resulting in the elevation of a Texan Governor and frat boy to the position of US President***
3. American Idol without Simon.
Thank the gods.
4. Sarah Palin will do something in Alaska that makes us all chuckle behind our hands. You know, we shouldn't complain about her so much, she makes for GREAT comic relief from daily stresses.
5. The world's oil will continue to be depleted and as a response our government will double our coal use! I know I want black lung disease, don't you?!
6. North Korea
7. Apple will release the next generation iPods: iPhone & iPod Touch - now with holographic projection technology! iPod Nano - The smallest mp3 player in history with a 4.2 millimeter touchscreen. iPod Shuffle - in the recent tradition of going back one model design, returns to its beginning shape as a flash drive with buttons, and iPod classic 320 gigabyte capacity that is roughly the size of a gameboy color.
8. Microsoft will start working on Windows 8 which will compete with Apples OSXII, code named "endangered-dung-beetle-big-cat"
9. The next generation game consoles will be announced by Microsoft (XBOX SPHERE), Sony (Playstation StandStill), and Nintendo (Yoo) which will all be controlled by brainwaves from another room.
10. Scientists will successfully form the first human clone, Joan Rivers, which will convince everyone NEVER to try it again.
So those are in the cards for these next twelve months... who knows what other horrible fates could befall us? You know what... end of the world in 2012 is looking pretty nice from here.
Good Luck all! Happy 2011 (2410 to Star Trek Online players)
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